THE Best QUOTES OF THE SEASON
The Wise, The Not So Wise And The Plain Funny
HILARIOUS (intentionally or otherwise), insightful, controversial and embarrassing. Such are the results when footballers, football managers and football commentators let words come out of their mouths.
As a way of waving season 2000-2001 off into the sunset, i've painstakingly collected the 100 best quotes uttered over the campaign and will be rolling them out over this page. We start with the 100th best quote , all the way to the best qoutes of the season .
100) "Go Aston Villa!" - Magic-legged Hollywood luvvie Tom Hanks reveals his affection for a football club as yawn-making as he is.
99) "There were tears pouring out of our keeper's eyes like one of those cartoon cats that have been hit on the head with a mallet" - Crystal Palace boss Alan Smith shares his colourful imagery.
98) "I used to drive home from Manchester United training along the M56 and there was a left turn for Wilmslow, where I lived, and a right turn for Hale, where Norman Whiteside, Paul McGrath and Bryan Robson lived. I used to say that it was left for under three pints a night and right for more than ten" - Former Manchester United star Gordon Strachan sums up the Old Trafford culture in his playing days.
97) "My lawyer and the officials wanted me to speak. So I just said that. It was nothing, it did not mean anything. I could have said 'The curtains are pink but I love them'" - Eric Cantona explains his famous "when the seagulls follow the trawler..." speech.
96) "I think this fellow has just come out of the Endsleigh League. He thought it was all a joke, he kept laughing and trying to smile at everybody. It may be a joke to him but it is a serious business to us" - Then-West Ham manager Harry Redknapp lays into referee Rob Styles.
95) "Manchester was a nightmare. I found Ferguson to be bogus as few people are. He kept saying to me 'Next time you will play, don't worry, do you understand?' Certainly I understood, I understood he wanted me out" - Former Manchester United goalkeeper and massive Bill & Ted fan Massimo Taibi.
94) "He is a terribly suspicious person who has a deep mistrust of other people." - Former Nottingham Forest manager Frank Clark gives Football365 the lowdown on Stan Collymore.
93) "Manchester is our city. This is our city and it's not their city. It's a massive city and it can take two massive clubs and that's what it's got" - New Manchester City boss Kevin Keegan just can't help himself in his second day in the job.
92) "I think you fancy me" - England captain David Beckham responds to a journalist's constant questioning about his mohican haircut.
91) "Well, he's certainly not Barry Fry" - Charlton and England defender Chris Powell lavishes praise (we think) on England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson.
90) "You usually like to play promoted sides around Christmas. They have got two lungs at the moment. It was hard work" - Aston Villa's Paul Merson, midfield wizard and anatomical expert.
89) "The facts are that we could be in Europe by 5pm on Sunday while Villa have got no chance" - Birmingham owner David Sullivan with a vocal version of Paul Tait's infamous 'S*** on the Villa' T-shirt shortly before his side lost the Worthington Cup Final.
88) "We were not prepared to be pushed around by a bunch of yobbos from North London" - Southampton chairman Rupert Lowe responds to reports linking Saints manager Glenn Hoddle with a return to Spurs.
87) "I have just not been quite good enough" - Kevin Keegan has a moment of clarity and brings his disappointing England tenure to a close after Wembley defeat by Germany.
86) "It was a piss poor game on a piss poor day" - Wimbledon manager Terry Burton assesses his side's scoreless draw with Sheffield United.
85) "He is 98% a Rangers player with around 2% that's not sure. That's football. It's strange" - Dundee boss Ivano Bonetti gets all philosophical over Claudio Caniggia's move to Ibrox.
84) "Manchester City are the best pub team I have ever played for" - an 'anonymous' City player sticks the boot in after Joe Royle is sacked.
83) "As long as we don't buy Edwin van der Saar or Peter Schmeichel, I won't be worried. I don't mind who sits on the bench" - Liverpool goalkeeper Sander Westerveld is not concerned with transfer speculation.
82) "If we beat Celtic and win our game in hand it brings the gap down to nine points" - Optimistic Rangers defender Arthur Numan keeps dreaming.
81) "There would have to be an outbreak of the bubonic plague for me to pick Paolo di Canio" - Italy coach Giovanni Trapattoni lays down the law.
80) "I don't like a non-Englishman being in charge. It's a backward step when a country as large as ours in the football world needs to do this" - Former England boss Terry Venables shares his unsurprising opinion of Sven-Goran Eriksson's appointment.
79) "The players have been fantastic to me, but they will not be kissing my head. I have told them the only person who can kiss my head is Laurent Blanc and I do not think he is going to come to United now" - Manchester United goalkeeper Fabien Barthez confirms he is a one-man man.
78) "He's an arsehole" - Rangers boss Dick Advocaat's opinion of Galatasaray coach Mircea Lucescu.
77) "I hate to speak poorly of them (Manchester City), but... they are crap" - Sky Sports panellist anf former City star Rodney Marsh confirms he won't be joining Trevor Brooking on the fence.
76) "Even Jesus Christ only suffered one Pontius Pilate; I had a whole team of them" - Ken Bates attempts to spread the blame after the collapse of the 'new Wembley' project.
75) "I told the lads that they'd played well. It was just a travesty having so much of the game and creating so many chances to be five behind" - Hibernian boss Alex McLeish laments some appalling luck against Celtic.
74) "Bradford showed last night they love me and the fans confirmed today they love me as well" - Benito Carbone arrives at Valley Parade to great acclaim before failing to produce the goods – why change the habit of a lifetime, eh?
73) "I would like to have Brooklyn christened but I'm not sure which religion yet" - David Beckham has some thinking to do.
72) "I certainly wouldn't put money on myself. Working as a national manager is out of the question" - Sven-Goran Eriksson, just before he became England boss. Hopefully he's not a betting man.
71) "If Mihajlovic says anything bad, I will kick him" - Leeds' Olivier Dacourt prepares to face the Lazio defender alleged to have racially abused Arsenal's Patrick Vieira.
70) "David Beckham. Just because of his play and not because he's a beautiful boy" - Paolo di Canio reveals the identity of the best English footballer he has played against.
69) "Being manager of this club is like wheeling a trolley around Sainsbury's. You want to go one way, the trolley wants to got the other" - In case his earlier gurgling about cartoon cats and mallets wasn't enough, Crystal Palace manager Alan Smith proves his love for flowery metaphors.
68) "I hope you're finished 'cos I'm off. End of conversation" - Vinnie Jones' response to Stuff magazine's entirely reasonable question: "Can you forsee a time when cars will be made of cheese?"
67) "Yeah, I was a bit anxious when I got to the stadium, but in all fairness if hadn't been anxious I'd have been worried" - Young Leeds goalkeeper Paul Robinson before making his European debut against Besiktas.
66) "People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart" - F365 columnist Andy Gray displays immaculate taste in music.
65) "Historically, host nations do well in Euro 2000" - BBC pundit Trevor Brooking shows remarkable foresight.
64) "What is written on the back pages of certain newspapers passes me by like an ill wind which I respect not" - Southampton chairman Rupert Lowe stops just short of saying 'And a hey-nonny-nonny' when getting medieval on The Sun's ass for suggesting that Glenn Hoddle was Tottenham bound.
63) "This is a time of low confidence in the safety of meat, I feel" - Arsenal utility man Gilles Grimandi shares his views on the foot and mouth crisis.
62) "I honestly don't think we've had any luck all season" - Leeds boss David O'Leary, whose 'babies' made it to the European Cup semi-final, has clearly forgotten about Dida throwing that one into the net when Leeds beat Milan.
61) "He cut his finger and I think it's the one he flicks his hair back with. He might even have broken a nail" - Leicester boss Peter Taylor provides an update on midfield hardman Robbie Savage's fitness.
60) "I have a little book in which I have written down the names of all those who have upset me. I know I will get them some day" - David Beckham reveals a hitherto unknown mean streak. And now he's got a Travis Bickle-style mohican! Be afraid!
59) "If you'd have met her, you'd probably understand why he did what he did" - Jack Charlton gives his hugely enlighted view on Gazza beating up then-wife Sheryl.
58) "It is like finding a woman with beauty, intelligence and lots of money" - Wimbledon boss Terry Burton has an eye for Fulham goal machine Louis Saha.
57) "Whoever comes in to replace me must understand the Watford ethos" - Outgoing Hornets boss Graham Taylor on that famous Watford ethos.
56) "I don't give two hoots about what Mark Lawrenson says. Have you quoted me on that? I hope so. Old Mister Lawrenson knows nothing. I haven't got a problem. He's a very intelligent man. But what is it he does again? Television is it? How long was he a manager at Oxford? Two minutes? That says it all" - Sunderland boss and wordsmith Peter Reid shows he doesn't have to use swear words to make a point.
55) "I've got a team of bigheads. They think they are better than they are. It was a hopeless performance. I think our players like to look good in their red and white away shirts but they have no idea about football and I'm getting sick of it" - Rangers boss Dick Advocaat reacts to his boys' capitulation to mighty St Johnstone.
54) "How many players do they need before they can start challenging for the title? If Sol Campbell leaves, 11" - Ex-Spurs manager Ossie Ardiles lays into his former employers.
53) "Darius Vassell has that burst of killer speed which sets all sorts of rabbits loose in defenders' minds" - Aston Villa boss John Gregory. Rabbits!?
52) "I always find the people who do criticise are middle-aged, pot-bellied, really scruffy hacks" - Former Leicester (and just about everyone else) striker Stan Collymore.
51) "We are unbeaten in eight games in which Stan (Collymore) has started only one. Draw your own conclusions" - Leicester boss Peter Taylor gives it to us straight.
50) "Wes Brown must nearly be our top goal scorer" - Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson reacts with good humour to his defender's latest own goal, against Southampton in May. United had already won the Premiership.
49) "He is a good manager with a lot of experience with Lazio and other clubs. It should be good, it will be good - we have got many good players and they will become a good team. I think it will be a good thing" - David Beckham thinks Sven-Goran Eriksson is good.
48) "I am not Jesus, I cannot change people's heads, but if you have problems because you are human, it can help to see someone like Paolo Di Canio has done the same" - Paolo Di Canio sets an example.
47) "We've tried to sign several players but other clubs have got some in. It's a bit like the girl you fancy being attractive to someone else, so you've got to be crafty and hit the dance floor before everyone else" - Crystal Palace boss Alan 'Disco Stud' Smith.
46) "We're a team of nobodies trying to mess up the system" - Leeds boss David O'Leary in February ignoring the fact he's spent all those millions.
45) "Darius (Vassell) is not as elegant as Dwight Yorke, and he's certainly a bit quicker. And another thing... Darius is normally in his own bed at 11 o'clock at night" - Villa boss John Gregory embarrasses his young striker.
44) "Rebecca has refused to play football because she feels it is a sport for boys and it is a thuggish game. My wife and I think she could be scarred later in life. It is also played by people who are of a slightly different disposition from me and my family. They are yobbish" - John Martin of Salford doesn't want his daughter playing nasty football.
43) "Tempo, now there's a big word" - ITV presenter Barry Venison displays poor letter-counting ability.
42) "Paulo Wanchope is totally unpredictable, but you know what you're going to get when you buy him" - Newcastle's Alan Shearer swaps 'uninteresting' for 'unintelligible'.
41) "At all the clubs I have been with I have been an instrument of inspiration to the players. I am here to accomplish a mission. I believe in God and I believe my mission will be accomplished in the name of God. From Saturday Derby will be on a different level" - Taribo West arrives to save Derby from oblivion.
40) "Wash 'n' Go, Wash 'n' Go, Wash 'n' Go" - Aston Villa fans greet David 'Loreal' Ginola.
39) "I love Italy. I have been lucky to do well against Italian teams. I love the people here. I come to Sardinia on holidays, my bambini have grown up here" - Leeds boss David O'Leary. It's not clear if the bambini in question are O'Leary's children or the playing staff of Leeds United.
38) "I tried it in Chinese the other night and drew some characters. It looks good and Victoria was impressed, but I copied it off a Chinese menu so I probably had fried rice, salt and pepper ribs and hot and sour soup over my arm instead of Victoria" - David Beckham on his 'Victoria' tattoo.
37) "I promise we will be up there with United. I believe that so much that I will kill myself if we are not challenging them" - Leeds' Olivier Dacourt raises the stakes.
36) "This guy is unbelievable. I'm going to put £100 on him to win the Eurovision Song Contest" - Scottish comedian Andy Cameron after goal machine Henrik Larsson's hole in one during Tom Boyd's testimonial golf match.
35) "I like Dundee. It's like Grimsby" - Well intentioned Dundee manager Ivano Bonetti.
34) "It is now fashionable for expectant fathers to be with their wives at the birth" - Thoroughly modern Scotland boss Craig Brown explaining the absence of Billy Dodds for the Croatia game
33) "Wanchope took his goals well and he's a lovely big boy" - Former Manchester City boss Joe Royle (while still at Maine Road)
32) "We can't risk parking there for fears that they will nick our cars" - Gillingham boss Andy Hessenthaler fosters relations with the travelling community. A band of gypsies had set up camp at the Gills training ground.
31) "I can play anywhere on the park. I'm a bit like that in bed, too" - Liverpool and England's Steven Gerrard, uninvited, conjures up distressing mental images.
30) "It can't be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays" - Philosophical Manchester City star (albeit briefly) George Weah
29) "I really like the clothes he wears, apart from my underwear. He keeps pinching my knickers" - Victoria Beckham on her famous hubby's dress sense.
28) "I don't think it was too much of a blow to us when we lost him. Of course he made mistakes when he was here and everyone recognised that. He was a good player but maybe lazy and it was easy to say he made many more mistakes" - Paolo Di Canio pays, er, tribute to Rio Ferdinand.
27) "It was like a game of roulette and Wigan were holding all the aces" - Motherwell director Pat Nevin after the English club lured Ged Brannan south.
26) "More and more footballers' wives will cheat on their husbands because they are never at home" - Barcelona's Emmanuel Petit reveals his innermost fears, perhaps too publicly.
25) "Statistics are like miniskirts: they give you good ideas but hide the important things" - Aberdeen boss Ebbe Skovdahl wishes women would just not bother wearing clothes at all. Not a smart move in Aberdeen, surely?
24) "I don't know what it's like out there, but it's like an ice rink out there" - Stockport boss Andy Kilner, who does know what it's like out there.
23) "They say Al Capone did some good things in his life. Trouble was, he would go out in the streets and shoot people. Keane is becoming United's Al Capone" - Brian Clough compares the ManYoo skipper to a mass murderer.
22) "I've seen some players with very big feet... and some with very small feet" - David Pleat shows the importance of his years of experience.
21) "Even Mother Teresa would fail a medical the way Spurs conduct them" - John Hartson's agent Jonathan Barnett is disgusted that Spurs don't reckon dead nuns and portly Welshmen are fit enough to play for them.
20) "F**k off Coisty!" - Andy Goram gets the wrong end of the stick when Sir Alex Ferguson phones to offer him a place on the Manchester United bench.
19) "Drugs? Who needs them? Just come to Leyton Orient. I'm flying. That's certainly my stimulant and what a night it was. Nights like that are what football is all about. In celebration we are going to drink from the elixir of life, here at Brisbane Road, the centre of the universe" - Leyton Orient supremo Barry Hearn enjoys Orient's play-off semi-final victory over Hull. Perhaps a little too much. Imagine if they'd won the final!
18) "I was very angry with his tackle on Tomislav Kocijan. That's why I had a go at him and said I did not like his wife's music" - Sturm Graz midfielder Roman Mahlich is not best pleased with David Beckham.
17) "I know it was all around the ground but so are the seats." - Brighton assistant manager Bob Booker reacts hilariously to rumours linking Matt le Tissier with the Seagulls.
16) "I want the fans to know that before I finish my career we are going to win something. Otherwise I'll kill myself" - Melodramatic West Ham superhero Paolo di Canio.
15) "They are like slugs in a fish tank and need to be stirred into life" - Crystal Palace manager Alan Smith lays into his own players with one of his customary colourful metaphors.
14) "Don't tell the police, I'm a bank robber and I'm on the run" - Quick-thinking West Ham defender Gary Charles reassures a passer-by after crashing his car while allegedly under the influence.
13) "We are not going to feed those who, as clubs, are inferior to us. Cardiff City are the Celtic giants, not Glasgow Celtic... Robert Earnshaw is worth more than your total club put together. Only three British clubs can compare with Cardiff City - Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United" - Bluebirds chairman Sam Hammam responds to Celtic's interest in said young star Earnshaw. Celtic have 53,000 season ticket holders.
12) "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing, so instead I rang his brother Jamie, who is also his agent" - Leicester's Ade Akinbiyi is desperate to congratulate his mate, Wolves striker George Ndah.
11) "Because of my seven-feet-tall height, and large skeletal frame, I have been commonly known as wembleystadium.net for many, many years" - Bob Thomson, who was forced to relinquish the rights to the URL wembleystadium.net at court.
10) "I don't really like the north. It's always raining, it's very cold and I don't like all those little houses" - West Ham's Frederic Kanoute doesn't want to move to a Northern club, which is probably just as well.
9) "Some people come to Old Trafford and I don't think that they can spell football let alone understand it. They have a few drinks and a prawn sandwich and don't realise what's going on out on the pitch" - Manchester United's Roy Keane says what we've all been thinking.
8) "Look at these small fry. I could piss on them" - Eric Cantona upsets French journalists on TV.
7) "Leeds reminded me of those poor Englishmen who invented football 15 centuries ago when they cut off a Viking's head, put it in a bag and started to kick it around." - Spanish journalist Julian Ruiz gets his historical wires crossed following the first leg of Leeds' European Cup semi-final with Valencia.
6) "I was thinking about Youri Djorkaeff and I said to myself 'I'd like to be a dog.' Dogs are nice. They can sleep any time, they wag their tails and on top of that they can get stroked all the time" - Barcelona's Emmanuel Petit likes dogs, y'know.
5) "He swerved to avoid what he thinks was a deer. It all happened so fast. He also said the animal could have been something smaller like a rabbit" - Chris Coleman's mate Nigel Greenhalgh after the Fulham star was involved in a nasty late night car crash.
4) "I would want to keep some reference to Stockport in the name, Man-Stock County for instance" - Stockport chairman Brendan Elwood immediately regrets saying the first thing that comes into his head after proposing County move to Maine Road and change their name.
3) "I remember so clearly us going into hospital so Victoria could have Brooklyn. I was eating a Lion bar at the time" - David Beckham gets his priorities straight.
2) "It's a type of gladiatorial warfare, without the benefit of a closed safety helmet" - Liverpool's Markus Babbel laments the absence of sturdy headgear in Premiership football.
And now, the very best quote of the entire season...
1) "Football managers are like a parachutist. At times it doesn't open. Here, it is an umbrella. You understand, Mary Poppins?" - Chelsea boss and English student Claudio Ranieri.
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